Why Can't You Let Go of the Hurt? A Path Towards Healing

Years ago, it was yet another night and I was yet again, looking at my sleepy daughter and was filled with regret and shame. This was after another moment of anger at my child’s behavior. And this regret always came after the storm of emotions.

A day when my daughter said something, or a day she did something, that seemed so hurtful in many ways in that moment. The situations could be different, and the anger might have seemed justified in that moment, but the aftereffects of the storm were always the same, shame or guilt on repeat.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, caught off guard by your child’s hurtful behavior and feeling overwhelmed with your unmanageable emotions, you’re not alone. And the reason I'm sharing something so personal is because I know the pain of it and now I also know the way out and the joy of it.

The connection between parent and child is profound, with layers of emotion rooted in both love and vulnerability. It's common for parents to struggle with overwhelming feelings of hurt or anger when confronted with their child’s hurtful words or actions. These reactions can seem disproportionate at times, leading us to wonder why we can't simply let go of the pain.

So, why does it happen? Because if you know the "Why" you have a possibility of doing something about it, right?

Understanding the psychological and physiological dimensions of our responses can illuminate a path toward healing—not only for ourselves but for the entire family.

To understand this complex working of our body and mind, we can explore concepts around generational trauma, physiological responses, and the retention of experiences in the body. By understanding these ideas, you can begin a journey toward healing, not just for yourself but for your whole family.

The Cycle of Pain

The concept of generational trauma explains that the emotional and psychological effects of traumatic experiences can be passed down through familial lines. Parents often bear the weight of unresolved traumas from their own childhoods, making them acutely sensitive to their children's pain. When a child expresses distress, it can trigger profound feelings of inadequacy, rejection, or sorrow in a parent, emotions that may echo their own early experiences.

This emotional overflow can lead to heightened reactions. For example, a child's simple expression of frustration may trigger a parent’s buried feelings from a difficult childhood, resulting in an outpouring of hurt that feels overwhelming. Recognizing this cyclical nature of trauma is crucial; it encourages parents to reflect on their own past and how it may influence their current parenting dynamics. By doing so, we can begin to break free from inherited pain and create new, healing patterns within the family.

Your Body's Response to Emotional Triggers

When faced with their child's hurtful behavior, parents often experience a flood of physiological responses governed by the autonomic nervous system. This system plays a critical role in regulating emotional reactions, shifting into a defensive mode when threats are perceived. One’s instincts may kick in, triggering the fight-or-flight response, which can amplify emotions like fear or anger.

In heated moments, this biological response can cloud our ability to react calmly or compassionately. Instead, we might respond impulsively, inadvertently perpetuating a cycle of hurt and miscommunication with our children. Recognizing that much of this response is physiological rather than solely emotional can pave the way for greater compassion toward ourselves. By understanding our inherent biological reactions, we can create space for mindfulness and reflective growth during emotional encounters.

Your Body Remembers: The Physical Manifestation of Emotional Distress

Another compelling aspect of our emotional responses lies in the explanation that experiences often manifest physically within our bodies. Unresolved trauma or distress can become trapped as tension or discomfort, fueling our reactions to present-day challenges. When faced with our child's distress, these unresolved feelings can resurface, creating overwhelming emotional waves that seem unmanageable.

To counteract these intense feelings, it's essential for parents to cultivate self-awareness and employ grounding techniques. By tuning into physical sensations—whether it’s tension, racing heartbeats, or shallow breathing—parents can begin to diffuse strong emotions, leading to more measured and compassionate reactions. Mindfulness practices such as deep breathing, yoga, or body scanning can be powerful tools in this journey toward self-regulation.

Embrace Healing and Seek Support

Understanding the origins of our emotional triggers sets the stage for healing. I encourage parents to engage in introspective practices and explore therapeutic modalities that resonate with them, such as coaching, counseling, or support groups. Partnering with a skilled professional can provide a safe space to delve into complex emotions, fostering a deeper understanding of oneself and promoting personal growth.

Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness but rather an empowering step toward breaking the cycles of trauma. By creating a nurturing environment where healing can flourish, parents can replace harmful patterns with resilience and understanding. Whether through individual therapy, peer support, or parental coaching, taking the initiative to seek help can lead to transformative change.

Your Journey Toward Compassion and Understanding

Parenting can often feel like a chaotic journey, especially in the face of hurtful words or actions from our children. To navigate these challenges effectively, it's vital to approach ourselves and our children with compassion. By acknowledging the influences of generational trauma, the physiological roles of our nervous systems, and the physical manifestations of emotional distress, we can collectively embark on a healing journey.

As caregivers, we owe it to ourselves and our families to examine these feelings honestly and to seek the support we need. Embracing our vulnerabilities and asking for help is a radical act of strength. Through this shared journey, we can create an environment where both parents and children can thrive, fostering deeper connections, resilience, and joy within the family.

Love & Hugs

Jaspreet Chopra

This article is based on the works of -

Dr. Gabor Maté - Physician and Author, Medical degree from McGill University. Specialization: Addiction, stress, and the impact of childhood trauma on health. Notable Works: “When the Body Says No,” “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts,” and “The Myth of Normal.”

Dr. Peter Levine, Psychologist and Author, Ph.D. in Medical Biophysics from the University of California, Berkeley. Work - Trauma and the development of Somatic Experiencing, a body-oriented healing approach. Notable Work: “Waking the Tiger,” and “In An Unspoken Voice.”

Dr. Stephen Porges - Psychologist and Neuroscientist,  Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Illinois.  Notable Works: “The Polyvagal Theory.”

These experts have significantly contributed to our understanding of trauma, emotional regulation, and the mind-body connection.

Recommended Books -

- Dr. Gabor Maté - When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection

- Dr. Stephen Porges - The Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe

- Dr. Peter Levine - In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness